形成新习惯/突破坏习惯：确保任何人取得成功的十个步骤Start a New Habit or Break a Bad One: Ten Steps to Guarantee Success for Anyone
原文地址：Start A New Habit Or Break A Bad One: Ten Steps To Guarantee Success For Anyone
翻译：默默
你可以在别人落败的地方取得成功，你可以形成新习惯或突破旧习惯，你在今天就可以改变自己的生活。你是否希望戒除毒瘾或毒瘾，通过节食减轻体重，不再吸烟，摆脱对咖啡的依赖，不再对着孩子大呼小叫，改变花钱如流水的恶习，在职业上更有效率，或变得更加坚决果断？你希望在自己的生活中保留或摒除那些习惯？多数人在开始形成新习惯的时候没能将下面十个步骤都照顾到，而无论忽视了哪一个步骤，都会为你的败局埋下伏笔。反之，若能在开始就将这十个步骤考虑周全，你的成功就有了保障。因此，要改变你对生活的条件反射性习惯，请遵循下面的十个步骤。
1. 识别习惯。
尽量具体。比如说，你是否希望减轻体重？尽可能了解清楚你希望减掉的重量，以及在多长的时间内达成目标（如6个月内减掉30磅）。稍微做些研究。例如，如果你希望节食，就可先计算出合理的预期减肥量。理论上你可以在每个星期内安全的减下1到2磅，所以6个月减掉30磅就是个合理的目标，并且容易达到。为什么容易？因为只要你按步骤进行，成功就是有保障的。没有技巧，不讲噱头，成功完全取决于你的选择。你是不是为此趋之若鹜呢？
2. 形成或改掉习惯的欲望。
你需要真心去向往，那是一种促使你达到目标的欲望。为此你不得不放弃当前的生活方式。这是促成真正改变的唯一途径。如果你对当前的生活非常满意，就没法成功的改变它。你是不是仅仅在别人告知你应该做什么的时候才会去尝试改变？这种外力并不足以成为你的驱动源。正相反，你该问问他们为什么。你是否在拒绝习惯（或某种习惯的缺乏）给你的生活带来的影响？听一听你所爱戴的人们的意见，让他们接近你，并激起你做出改变的欲望。你可以列出下面的内容：若不形成新习惯，你将会失去什么；或者，若不抛弃旧习惯，你将获得什么。要达到成功，你不得不了解为何自己需要改变。你真的希望达到你的目标么？如果是，你就会达到；如果不是，你就不会达到。计划成功，你就会成功。“若无法成功的做计划，你就在为失败做计划”（根据 armytimes.com，这可能是一句旧军队的格言，但如果有人知道最先讲出这句话的人是谁，请在评论中指出，并附上可靠的来源——我喜欢精确的引用，但这句话似乎被过分使用并且失掉引用来源了）
3. 了解你为什么要做这件事（或为什么不做）。
你从自己的当前状况中得到了些什么？这种状况填补了哪些需求（这样你就可以用另外的方式填补）。你的习惯只是一种应付差事的办法么？只能帮你缓解压力或者从生活的痛苦中暂且逃避出来么？事实上，你可以用健康的方式处理压力，并通过一次健康的转变找到真正的幸福。你的习惯只是一些针对特定事件的条件反射么？只是为了在沮丧和挫折到来时借以寻求立竿见影的满足感么？你可以改变自己的行为模式，学着随机应变而不是条件反射，进而创造出一个健康的习惯予以取代。你是不是一直在逃避过去的经历所带来的痛苦？是不是只想绕个弯子混过去？如果是这样的话，破除旧习惯的想法可能会让你害怕。但相信我，你可以做到的。例如，若希望开始一项训练计划，就该在自己的每一天中寻找被浪费掉的时间，并把它们利用起来建立新的习惯。抽出时间去锻炼，而不是去看电视。为何你以前没能建立新习惯（并一直坚持）？你真的认为自己很懒惰么（是否该改变对自己的看法）？
若需要看到远景，不妨找位朋友聊聊。无论你被何种痛苦驱使，都需要付出努力去穿越它并重新引导它。若你被某些严重的创伤或无法解决的痛苦困扰，就需要与别人聊一聊，只有这样才超越痛苦。这么做并不是让自己 “无所作为”。从创痛中痊愈需要时间，但你必须改变对痛苦的反应，才可能逐渐好转。若你在被火烧伤时随便找到什么液体就往身上泼，结果碰巧把油泼在身上，火只会烧得更旺！你得去找水才行（甚至找个灭火器才更好）！生活也是这样运转的。你必须改变习惯才能痊愈。当前的生活方式在向你传递什么讯息？它是如何加强负面影响的？
4. 用正面讯息取代负面讯息。
一旦你放弃旧习惯或开始新习惯时，你就已经改变了。记得提醒自己，向自己传递”我正在减肥，我正在戒烟中，我已经变成了更果断的人……”或任何与你的目标相匹配的讯息。只要真心相信自己已经有所改变，这些讯息就会解放你的思想。不要回头看，你需要一个新的生活口号，那就是”我可以做到”！如果你不相信你能做到，你就不能。你是否相信自己拥有一个确定归宿？你生活的列车是否会奔向某个特别的地方？用新的讯息取代旧的讯息吧。珍爱你自己，但憎恨你的习惯，原谅曾经的自己，就像上帝原谅你一样吧，你是个有价值的人。当然，这过程对很多人而言都是困难的，向你的朋友们寻求帮助吧，在 Internet 上寻找正面的引证文字吧，或者让催人奋进的圣经经文去鼓舞你，提醒你意识到自己独树一帜而又令人惊叹的生活目标吧。如果可以的话，把你的誓愿张贴在你可以看到的地方。你必须铭记在心的是，对成功的坚定信念是成功的必要因素。
5. 力求明确：为成功做出计划。
要达到成功你需要细节。要启动一个锻炼计划，就该定出准确的锻炼日数和次数。你是否需要购买健身器材或加入一个体操队？你需要别人帮忙照看孩子么？预先为整周做计划，并确保你的锻炼计划不要达到损害健康的程度（如果需要可咨询你的家庭医生）。要停止吸烟，制定一个详细的计划。调查一下你可能会需要的非处方药品，用 internet 查找与戒烟相关的支持小组，或查阅相关资料。若需减轻体重，千万不要选中一个不健康的减肥计划。某些饮食风潮（fed diets）会花掉你大把的钱，却把你的新陈代谢搞得乱七八糟。如果你得到短时间内减掉大量体重的承诺，如果事情听起来太动听而不像是真的，它很可能就是蒙人的。那种计划会用掉你的钱，使你迅速减肥，但在快速的减掉几磅之后，你又会很快的增肥到比原来还厉害的程度。与其那样，还不如选择一种健康而平衡的饮食计划，列出你每周所需的膳食和杂品。现在想想看，对自己全新生活的第一周，你需要考虑哪些具体细节呢？
6. 担负责任。
如果你认为自己应当坚持，就一定会坚持下去。你可以做自己想做的人，但那完全取决于你自己。本文所述的十个步骤能够保证你取得成功，但只有你才能保证自己会按这些步骤做下去。无论你为什么在保持或者避免某个习惯，控制权始终在你自己。为了达到成功，你可能需要在冰箱上贴上一张便签，提醒自己保持乐观的正面态度；你也可能需要朋友帮忙，每天早上打电话给你，提醒你按计划中的细节进行；你甚至需要住院或服药以保证治疗，但选择权始终在你手上，因为这是你自己的生活。和自己达成契约吧，今天你就可以过上不同的生活。
伊万·彼得洛维奇·巴浦洛夫，一位20世纪九十年代的俄国科学家，曾因著名的 “巴浦洛夫的狗”实验而荣膺诺贝尔奖（nobelprize.org 参见维基百科）。此例常见诸于谈话中，用以指代那些只会冲动的做出反应而不肯使用批判思维的人。在实验中，巴浦洛夫发现小狗在见到食物时会流口水，于是采用多种实验手段修改了这一反应，包括吹口哨，敲音叉，以及一些特定的视觉刺激等等（非常有趣的是，尽管在传说中此实验是用铃铛完成，却没有实际的证据支持，甚至从未有人在他的实验室中发现铃铛）。当反复的让小狗在看到食物的同时受声音刺激之后，小狗就会在仅有声音刺激的情况下流口水。这个训练过程在建立了一种反应模式的同时停止了另一种反应模式，而你的肢体在很大程度上也是以相同方式工作的。改变反应条件，你的习惯也会跟着改变。停止你现有的反射动作，便可建立自己的反应机制。你该做的是对自己的行动和反应逐渐变得有所知觉，学会随机应变而不是仅仅做条件反射。只要选择伴随某一事件的后果和奖励方式，就可以改变自身的行为模式。
7. 加强你的行为。
在使用或克制一种习惯时，你会如何奖励自己？你会为自己的行为设置那些后果？这一过程正是巴浦洛夫的狗反应实验的条件重建部分。改变自己的奖励系统。向成功的方向调节自己，你就会取得成功！你是否每天早上起床后就在为生活奔忙？是什么促使你起床并开始忙碌？你不希望家里的用电被切断，你希望居有定所，希望车子里一直有汽油。为了养成或克服一种习惯，你需要构建同样的奖励/后果系统。若希望减肥或戒烟，你可以每一天将原先花在垃圾食品和香烟上的钱存入罐子里，然后每个星期给自己一次奖励；也可以启用一个储蓄帐号，看着（用于奖励的）钱不断增长；还可以拿这些钱买件新衣服，看场电影，或做另外一些有意思（非破坏性）的事情。
除了违背自己的诺言之外——如果你对自己的言语很重视的话，那可能是严重的事情——你还能够制造出哪些实实在在的后果？不要对自己太粗暴或者太刻薄。要自信，但更要坚定。例如，是否会有一个你很希望参加的有趣的活动？让这活动成为你的习惯（它的养成或者克服）的触发条件吧。确保这活动不会是与孩子的玩耍之类（那可能伤害到孩子感情），而是某些你真心期待的事，例如一场音乐会，一次没有孩子在身边的约会，或一个与朋友共度的夜晚。一旦你能够看到奖励到来的迹象，那件事就能帮助你更加聚精会神。要记得你可能会失去什么。
8. 问责制度与支持体系。
建立你的习惯，句号。没有多余的借口。找到一位朋友，一位资助人，或一个支持小组（有专门应对悲伤、沉迷和其它问题的支持小组）。停止那些阴谋破坏你计划的事，用成功者的故事来激励自己。无论是面对面，打电话还是上网，都要敢于承担问责。在上帝与你同在的安静时刻，默默祷告，祷告时要为自己的决定做出承诺，得到力量。最后，要拥有防止失败的行动计划。
9. 只要在退出前有一项应急计划，你就永远不会退出。
这是最为关键的一个组成部分。你需要在与自己建立的协约中做出承诺，并在企图退出之前开始照应急计划执行。制作一个圣经经文的列表，并通过阅读来带给自己力量吧，到一些私人的地方去阅读它们（浴室就比较合适）。写下一些正面的、乐观的断言并对着自己慢慢读出来，直到失败的恐慌和冲动减轻。若企图退出的压力仍然继续，就写下一份朋友们的电话列表，在需要时打电话给他们，告诉他们你当前的想法。绝不要将自己的失败合理化，必要的时候，回到本文再次阅读，并随时提醒自己：我可以做得到！
积极的向自己传递新的讯息，以便取代旧的。例如，若你正在努力减肥却感觉自己像要死掉一样，事实真的如此吗？你确信自己真的是完全按照医嘱咐计划执行吗？如果你遵循了本文第5条，就可以回答“是的”。重新解释你的饥饿吧，就算你的身体感觉饿，你仍然可以坚持到下一餐的。但想想看你是否仅仅是在情感上觉得饥饿呢：你是否感到生气，孤独，或者疲惫？应该想办法缓解这些情感，而不是用食物来解决问题。
早一些划清界线，将成功机会最大化。如果你是一个刚刚戒酒的酗酒者，不要允许自己进入酒吧。当你碰到最大的压力并且发现你已经在酒吧里面，这就是一个警戒性标志。它标志着你已经越过安全线进入了危险区域，但酒瘾尚未复发。你可以为自己保留一个危险区域，但要早些意识到它，并应尽力避免进入它。可以将这个区域看作你的最后庇护所，但要保证它不会损害你自己或其他人。（处于危险区域的）你的脾气会不会失控？你没有任何理由借此对别人（或自己）发泄。要学会控制危险区域，当你感到自己的怒火开始升腾时，你的危险区域尚处于早期。无论发生什么，对你的警告永远是：离开这种处境。立刻就做，按照应急计划进行，冷静下来。尽最大努力绝对不要进入危险区域，但可以保留一个。
当你被失败的念头诱惑时，数到十，深呼吸，然后按照应急计划进行。坚持尽可能长时间，至少要留出十分钟的活动期。如果在十分钟之后你仍然处在返回过去习惯的边缘，就再一次开始你的应急计划。如此重复直到你的诱惑期过去。太多的人声称“复发是康复过程的一部分”。这仅仅是他们想一直重头做起的借口，这样下去他们将永远无法获得真正的自由。不过，你也不必因为曾经的失败而深深谴责自己，那仅仅是因为当时你还不具备相应的工具和解决方案。但现在你可以做到了，这一次只要按照本文所述的十个步骤去做，就会变得完全不同。绝不要认为自己有什么内在的瑕疵，或者没有脱胎换骨的能力。你和任何人一样有能力，而且只有你自己才能改变自己的生活。现在就开始做吧，长期坚持做。你需要什么样的危险区域和行动计划？现在就将它们建立起来吧。
10. 为你的悲伤时段留出空间。
无论习惯的改变让你感到多么愉悦，无论失落感只出现几分钟还是一次出现老半天，你发现自己总有需要悲伤的时候。新习惯形成（或旧习惯停止）的前20-30天是成功的关键。原因之一就是你会为自己的改变感到悲伤。非常悲伤。对于哪些严重的瘾头，你可能在戒除一年之后仍然会感到悲伤。你会为很多事情感到悲伤：这习惯让你付出多少代价，你怎样因这习惯伤害了自己和别人，你因这习惯失去了哪些东西（这是令自己麻木并进入顾影自怜状态的最快方式）。这些情况在局外人听来可能觉得惊奇，但当你在生活中真正做出了相当大改变时，一定会有怀恋旧习惯的时段出现。
有时候会有这种情况出现，当你失败的时候，总希望将失败用归罪于自己习惯，而不是归罪于头脑中某个有问题的想法。难道你的习惯（或某种习惯的缺乏）只是“我相信自己是个失败者，并且从不努力取得成功”的借口么？你是否只是在用习惯让自己感觉安全？或是使自己与批评绝缘么？例如，在生意场上，某些人习惯于在任何事情上都责备别人，放弃调动自己的才华和能力，拒绝承担领导职责，这样他就可以永远不面对别人的责难。但这样就彻底拒绝了成功的机会，因为只有勇往直前并敢于承担失败的风险才是创造成功的唯一途径。
你是不是已经为改变做好准备？今天就开始行动吧。
Original article: Start A New Habit Or Break A Bad One: Ten Steps To Guarantee Success For Anyone
Translation: Momo
You can succeed where others have fallen; you can form a new habit or break an old one; you can change your life starting today. Do you want to kick a drug habit, lose weight by dieting, stop smoking, shake off your dependence on coffee, stop yelling at your kids, cure the vice of spending money like water, become more effective in your career, or grow more decisive? Which habits do you wish to keep in your life, and which to cast out? Most people, when they set out to form a new habit, fail to attend to all ten of the steps below, and whichever step you neglect, it plants the seed of your defeat. Conversely, if you think all ten steps through at the very start, your success is assured. So, to change the conditioned, reflexive habits of your life, follow the ten steps below.
1. Identify the habit.
Be as specific as you can. For instance, do you want to lose weight? Get as clear as possible about how much weight you want to lose, and over what stretch of time you mean to reach the goal (say, 30 pounds in 6 months). Do a little research. If you want to diet, for example, you can first work out a reasonable expected amount to lose. In theory you can safely drop 1 to 2 pounds a week, so 30 pounds in 6 months is a reasonable goal, and an easy one to reach. Why easy? Because as long as you follow the steps, success is guaranteed. No tricks, no gimmicks; success depends entirely on your choices. Aren’t you itching to get started?
2. The desire to form or break the habit.
You need to long for it in earnest; it is a desire that drives you toward your goal. For it, you will have to give up your current way of life. This is the only path to real change. If you are perfectly content with your life as it is, you will not manage to change it. Do you only attempt to change when someone else tells you what you should do? That kind of outside force is not enough to be your engine. On the contrary, you should ask them why. Are you refusing to see what the habit (or the lack of one) is doing to your life? Listen to the people you love and respect, let them get close to you, and let them stir up your desire to change. You can write out a list: what you stand to lose if you do not form the new habit; or what you will end up with if you do not cast off the old one. To succeed, you have to understand why you need to change. Do you truly want to reach your goal? If yes, you will reach it; if not, you will not. Plan for success, and you will succeed. “Failing to plan is planning to fail” (according to armytimes.com this may be an old army saying, but if anyone knows who first said it, please point it out in the comments and attach a reliable source; I like my citations precise, but this line seems to have been overused until its attribution was lost).
3. Understand why you are doing this (or why you are not).
What are you getting out of your current situation? What needs does it fill (so that you can fill them another way)? Is your habit just a way of getting by? Does it only help you take the edge off stress, or escape for a while from the pain in your life? In fact, you can handle stress in healthy ways, and find real happiness through one healthy change. Are your habits merely conditioned reflexes to particular events? Are they just a way to grab instant gratification when frustration and setbacks arrive? You can change your patterns of behavior, learn to respond to what is actually happening instead of reacting on reflex, and so create a healthy habit to take the old one’s place. Have you been running from the pain of past experience? Are you just hoping to slip around it? If so, the thought of breaking the old habit may frighten you. But believe me, you can do it. For example, if you want to start a training program, look through each of your days for the time being wasted, and put it to use building the new habit. Carve out time to exercise instead of watching TV. Why did you never manage to build a new habit (and stick with it) before? Do you really think you are lazy (and should that view of yourself change)?
If you need to see the bigger picture, try talking with a friend. Whatever pain is driving you, it will take effort to pass through it and redirect it. If you are weighed down by some serious trauma or an unresolvable pain, you need to talk it over with someone; only then can you rise above the pain. Doing so is not letting yourself “do nothing.” Healing from a wound takes time, but you must change how you respond to the pain before you can slowly get better. If you catch fire and douse yourself with whatever liquid you can grab, and it happens to be oil, the fire will only burn hotter! You have to go find water (better yet, a fire extinguisher)! Life works the same way. You must change the habit before you can heal. What message is your current way of living sending you? How is it reinforcing the negative?
4. Replace the negative messages with positive ones.
The moment you give up the old habit or begin the new one, you have already changed. Remember to remind yourself, to send yourself the message: “I am losing weight, I am quitting smoking, I have become a more decisive person…” or whatever message matches your goal. As long as you sincerely believe you have already changed, these messages will set your mind free. Do not look back; you need a new motto for your life, and it is “I can do this!” If you do not believe you can, you cannot. Do you believe you have a certain destination? Is the train of your life bound for somewhere special? Replace the old messages with new ones. Cherish yourself but hate your habit; forgive the person you used to be, just as God forgives you; you are a person of worth. Of course, this process is hard for many people, so ask your friends for help, look for positive quotations on the Internet, or let stirring Bible verses encourage you and remind you of your singular, astonishing purpose in life. If you can, post your vows somewhere you will see them. What you must engrave on your heart is this: an unshakable belief in success is a necessary ingredient of success.
5. Be specific: plan for success.
To succeed you need details. To launch an exercise program, set the exact days and number of sessions. Do you need to buy fitness equipment or join a gymnastics team? Do you need someone to help watch the kids? Plan the whole week in advance, and make sure your exercise plan never reaches the point of harming your health (consult your family doctor if needed). To stop smoking, draw up a detailed plan. Look into the over-the-counter medications you might need, use the internet to find support groups for quitting, or read up on the subject. If you need to lose weight, whatever you do, do not pick an unhealthy diet plan. Certain diet fads (fed diets) will cost you piles of money while making a mess of your metabolism. If you are promised a large weight loss in a short time, if it sounds too good to be true, it is probably a con. That kind of plan will spend your money and slim you down fast, but after quickly dropping a few pounds you will just as quickly gain back more than you started with. Better instead to choose a healthy, balanced eating plan and list out the meals and groceries you need each week. Now think: for the first week of your brand-new life, what specific details do you need to consider?
6. Take responsibility.
If you believe you ought to keep going, you will keep going. You can be the person you want to be, but that rests entirely with you. The ten steps in this article can guarantee your success, but only you can guarantee that you will keep following them. Whatever your reasons for keeping or avoiding a habit, the control always lies with you. To succeed, you may need a note stuck on the refrigerator reminding you to stay optimistic and positive; you may need a friend’s help, a phone call every morning reminding you to follow the details of the plan; you may even need hospitalization or medication to secure your treatment. But the choice is always in your hands, because this is your own life. Make a covenant with yourself: today you can start living a different life.
Ivan Petrovich Pavlov, a Russian scientist of the 1890s, won the Nobel Prize for the famous “Pavlov’s dog” experiments (nobelprize.org; see Wikipedia). The example comes up often in conversation, invoked for people who only react on impulse and refuse to use critical thinking. In his experiments, Pavlov noticed that dogs salivated at the sight of food, and he set about modifying this response by various experimental means, including blowing a whistle, striking a tuning fork, and certain visual stimuli (amusingly, although legend has it the experiments were done with a bell, there is no actual evidence for it; no one ever even found a bell in his laboratory). After the dogs were repeatedly given the sound stimulus at the same moment they saw food, they would salivate at the sound alone. This training process established one response pattern while shutting down another, and your body works in much the same way. Change the conditions of the response, and your habits will change with them. Stop your existing reflexes, and you can build response mechanisms of your own. What you should do is grow gradually aware of your actions and reactions, and learn to respond to the situation rather than merely react on conditioning. Simply by choosing the consequences and rewards that accompany an event, you can change your own patterns of behavior.
7. Reinforce your behavior.
When you practice a habit, or hold one back, how do you reward yourself? What consequences do you set for your own behavior? This process is precisely the reconditioning part of Pavlov’s dog experiments. Change your own reward system. Condition yourself toward success, and success is what you will get! Do you get up every morning and rush off to make a living? What gets you out of bed and into the bustle? You do not want the power cut off at home; you want a roof that stays over your head; you want the car to always have gas in it. To build or overcome a habit, you need to construct the same kind of reward-and-consequence system. If you want to lose weight or quit smoking, you can drop the money you used to spend on junk food and cigarettes into a jar every day, then give yourself a reward once a week; or open a savings account and watch the (reward) money keep growing; or use it to buy a new piece of clothing, see a movie, or do something else that is fun (and not destructive).
Beyond breaking a promise to yourself (which, if you take your own word seriously, can be a grave matter), what tangible consequences can you create? Do not be too rough or too harsh with yourself. Be confident, but above all be firm. For example, is there some fun event you are really hoping to attend? Let that event become the trigger tied to your habit (its forming, or its breaking). Make sure the event is not something like playtime with your kids (that could wound a child’s feelings), but something you genuinely look forward to, such as a concert, a date with no children along, or an evening with friends. Once you can see signs of the reward approaching, it will help you concentrate all the harder. Remember what you stand to lose.
8. Accountability and a support system.
Build your habit, period. No spare excuses. Find a friend, a sponsor, or a support group (there are groups devoted to grief, addiction, and other problems). Put a stop to whatever is conspiring to sabotage your plan, and spur yourself on with the stories of those who have succeeded. Face to face, by phone, or online, dare to be held accountable. In the quiet moments when God is with you, pray silently; in your prayers, commit to your decision and draw strength. Finally, have an action plan in place to guard against failure.
9. As long as you have a contingency plan before you quit, you will never quit.
This is the most critical component of all. In the covenant you make with yourself, promise that before any attempt to quit, you will first carry out the contingency plan. Make a list of Bible verses and read them to give yourself strength; read them somewhere private (the bathroom works well). Write down some positive, optimistic affirmations and read them slowly aloud to yourself until the panic and the urge toward failure ease off. If the pressure to quit keeps up, write out a list of friends’ phone numbers, call them when you need to, and tell them what you are thinking at that moment. Never rationalize your own failure; when necessary, come back to this article and read it again, and keep reminding yourself: I can do this!
Actively send yourself the new messages, so they can replace the old. For example, if you are working hard to lose weight and feel as though you are about to die, is that actually true? Are you certain you have been following the doctor-approved plan to the letter? If you have followed step 5 of this article, you can answer “yes.” Reinterpret your hunger: even if your body feels hungry, you can still hold out until the next meal. But consider whether you are merely hungry emotionally: are you feeling angry, lonely, or tired? Find ways to soothe those feelings instead of solving the problem with food.
Draw the lines early, and you maximize your chances of success. If you are an alcoholic who has just gotten sober, do not allow yourself into a bar. When the pressure is at its worst and you find you are already inside one, that is a warning sign. It marks that you have crossed the safety line into the danger zone, though the addiction has not yet relapsed. You may keep one danger zone for yourself, but recognize it early, and do your utmost to stay out of it. Think of the zone as your last refuge, but make certain it cannot harm you or anyone else. Will your temper slip its leash (there in the danger zone)? You have no excuse to use it to vent at others (or at yourself). Learn to manage the danger zone: when you feel your anger beginning to climb, your danger zone is still in its early stage. Whatever happens, the warning for you is always the same: leave the situation. Do it at once, follow the contingency plan, and cool down. Try your very hardest never to enter the danger zone, but you may keep one.
When the thought of giving in tempts you, count to ten, breathe deeply, then follow the contingency plan. Hold out as long as you possibly can, and give it at least a ten-minute window of activity. If after ten minutes you are still on the edge of sliding back into the old habit, start your contingency plan once more. Repeat until the wave of temptation passes. Too many people claim that “relapse is part of recovery.” That is merely their excuse for forever starting over, and down that road they will never be truly free. Still, you need not condemn yourself too deeply for past failures; it was only that back then you did not yet have the right tools and solutions. Now you can do it, and this time, if you simply follow the ten steps in this article, everything will be different. Never believe there is some inner flaw in you, or that you lack the capacity to be made new. You are as capable as anyone, and only you can change your own life. Start now, and keep at it for the long haul. What kind of danger zone and action plan do you need? Build them now.
10. Leave room for your seasons of grief.
However glad the change of habit makes you, and whether the sense of loss shows up for a few minutes at a time or half a day at a stretch, you will find there are always moments when you need to grieve. The first 20-30 days of forming a new habit (or stopping an old one) are the key to success. One reason is that you will grieve over your own change. Grieve deeply. With the serious addictions, you may still feel the grief a full year after quitting. You will grieve over many things: what the habit cost you, how you hurt yourself and others through it, what you lost to it (this is the fastest way to numb yourself and slide into self-pity). To an outsider this may sound surprising, but when you make a truly substantial change in your life, there will inevitably be stretches when you miss the old habit.
Sometimes it happens like this: when you fail, you would rather blame the failure on your habit than on some faulty idea in your head. Could it be that your habit (or the lack of one) is just an excuse for “I believe I am a loser, and I never try for success”? Are you simply using the habit to feel safe? Or to insulate yourself from criticism? In business, for example, some people make a habit of blaming others for everything, giving up on putting their own talent and ability to work, refusing to take on the duties of leadership, so that they never have to face anyone’s reproach. But this shuts the door on success completely, because pressing forward and daring to risk failure is the only way success is ever made.
Are you ready for the change? Start acting today.
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