沟通中应该避免的七种行为举止Seven Behaviors to Avoid in Communication

Original article: 7 Behaviors That Mess Up Communication: Are You Making A Good Impression?

Are you puzzled by the way other people treat you? Do you want to improve your family relationships, your marriage, or your other relationships? Would you like to know how to get along harmoniously with people at work? Below are 7 behaviors that can help you quickly clear away friction and improve communication. Each one will make you appear more outstanding, more important, and more charming than the next person.

1. Interrupting when others are speaking.

I once believed I was a very good listener. I paid sincere attention to other people, could join a conversation with ease, listen to friends hold forth, and offer them encouragement now and then. In everyday conversation, I would state my own views first, then start listening to others, and I often cut them off midway. After graduating from college, I decided to remake myself entirely. I asked God in what respect I should improve, and asked him for the courage to face reality. The next day, I began to notice the expressions on people’s faces when I interrupted them, and I was horrified. I made the right decision: from then on, no more interrupting. The decision took effect immediately, and it taught me how to build a friendly conversation.

2. Assuming.

This sounds a little comical, but it truly is a mistake we make all the time. We judge other people’s behavior, but the moment we believe that only our own assumptions can possibly be right, we have fallen into a trap. Here is a classic example of how “assuming” shapes the relationship between you and others.

“My husband and I are celebrating our tenth wedding anniversary. It astonishes me how fast ten years have gone, and at the same time I am gratified that through these ten years we have lived in real harmony. It is a successful marriage, but it did not come easily: we both worked for it. The greatest work, and also the greatest difficulty between us, was communication. When we first came together, a conflict arose between us, and we both did a great deal of assuming. For instance (from the wife’s side): if he said something that hurt me, I would wait anxiously for him to apologize, and I assumed that if he really understood me, cared about me, minded my feelings, if he really loved me, he would surely know how upset I was at that moment, and he would certainly come and apologize. Or again (from the husband’s side): if what I just said hurt her, might she not have forgiven me already? If she really understood me, cared about me, minded my feelings, if she really loved me, she would surely not hold so much against me. Wrong! In human relationships, one person offends another while truly having no idea what has happened, or else he knows he has given offense but assumes the other has already forgiven him. This is the plain truth; think back to what went through your mind the last time things turned sour between you and someone else.

So in dealing with people, be sincere. Do not assume what others are feeling, and do not keep petty score. If you have offended someone, the three simple words “I am sorry” will usually dissolve the conflict; if someone has offended you without meaning to, say three words to yourself, “it is nothing,” and your mood need not suffer. When you are forever assuming things about other people’s behavior, you are hunting up unhappiness for yourself. 3. Forgetting to say thank you.

Saying “thank you” reveals, in no small measure, one side of your character. How many of us forget this in the bustle of life? Think back to the last time you were deeply grateful for something and forgot to thank the person. Perhaps you did mean to show your gratitude, but you forgot to actually say “thank you,” and you left them feeling you were ungrateful. After accepting someone’s kind help, I say a word of thanks at once. I answer their help with grateful words and a smile. Write thank-you notes to the people who help you; though, I admit, I am not good at this myself. Sometimes spoken thanks are enough to convey your gratitude, but in certain situations a thank-you letter or note conveys it better. After someone helps you, say “thank you!” right away; if need be, carry paper and pen with you and write a short note or letter of thanks. Let people see that you are someone who repays kindness, and they will be all the more glad to help you.

4. Blaming others.

You are responsible for your own behavior. Past pain can affect you, but it cannot control your future. When you blame others, you give up the chance to take charge of your own life, and little by little you let other people govern your moods. There was a time when I blamed others constantly; I believed that every failure and hardship in my life, present or future, was the fault of the people who had hurt me in the past. But now I understand: I must answer for my own behavior. I have decided to stop pitying myself; I will live for today, and I will take hold of my own future. Stop railing at heaven and everyone else. Remember, it all rests with you.

5. Being unwilling to give.

Have you given your all? Are you working to show what you are capable of in your job, or only doing the bare minimum? Do you show your true self to your friends, or, in the name of guarding your privacy, reveal only the smallest sliver? Be more trustworthy, mix with people more, be more confident. When you have only just gotten to know people, do not scatter careless judgments about things, still less decide they are not worth your opinion.
When your turn comes in a conversation to give your view and you say not a word, showing none of your gifts and contributing nothing, your conduct sends a message: perhaps you are hinting that you are too important, or that you are unreliable, or that you have no insight to offer. Of course you are an intelligent person. If you do not know where your strengths lie, try to discover them; if you fear rejection, then draw from God the courage to face life; if you want to exercise your talents, then make sure you actually go and do so. The whole world is waiting for your extraordinary arrival; and while you are giving it your best effort, keep point one above firmly in mind.

6. Failing to follow through.

Excuses, excuses, excuses. Is your life crowded with explanations and excuses for the things you failed to get done? The CEO of a Fortune 500 company can keep people waiting, can arrive late to a meeting, without inventing any excuse; employees read such behavior as one more display of the leader’s authority in the company. But for an ordinary person who shows up late, however packed his schedule may be, an explanation is always owed. Lateness of this kind usually gives offense and leaves an impression of disrespect. When you have to explain your behavior again and again, have you ever wondered how others see you?

And what is life actually like? Much of the time people fail to deliver: when you make a promise you swear up and down, and when you later break it you tear off your own mask of integrity, damaging your credibility in business and in personal relationships alike. Be someone who keeps their word: what you say, do, and do not make promises lightly. When in the end you shrug and back out, you are telling people that you do not amount to much. If you want to keep a good image in other people’s minds, then find every possible way to finish what you took on; that way, the excuses can be saved for the moments of true, burning emergency.

Here are three suggestions to help you avoid going back on your word:

1. Arrange your time sensibly: You need time to show respect to your children, and the same goes for the other people you love; but business deadlines matter too, so you must weigh things carefully and not promise lightly.
2. Be faithful to people: When you find yourself being dishonest or false, caving to pressure, betraying yourself, doing things against your conscience, remember to turn honest: be true to yourself, true to others, never hypocritical; be your real self, keep your promises, do not say one thing and mean another, and be true to your own beliefs as well.
3. Stay focused: When you feel indifferent toward things and are drifting into laziness, do not risk making promises; but do not live in the shadow of fearing failure either.

Set up a goal worth striving for, be faithful to the promises you make to yourself and to others, work step by step toward that goal, and finish what you promised to finish. The best way to leave a good impression on others is through your actions.

7. Criticizing others.

As a teacher, criticizing people is my calling. But if you are not my student, it is not my place to step in. Is there someone around you who loves passing careless judgment on others? Have you noticed the same tendency in yourself? Picking at what you wear, answering what you say with harsh words, mocking your ideas, or sneering at things you care deeply about: all of these breed a tense, discordant atmosphere. Have you ever had the experience of being driven by your own insecurity into mocking and belittling others? While you strain to become better, you come across like an abrasive. You need to know how good you are without hurting anyone at all, without putting others down just to feel a little better about yourself. You will make a great contribution to this world, and the contributions other people make do not diminish the gifts of your own life. So when something is none of your business, do not pass judgment on people, and you will find how quickly the attitude of those around you changes.

Is your own showing in communication just as sorry? Find the sad shortcomings in how you communicate, correct them, and change your life starting today. You can do it!